It's Okay To Be Sovereign, It's Okay To Be A Citizen, But If You're A Sovereign Citizen, You're Going To Have A Bad Time.

I'm sorry I've stunk at this so much lately.  I will try to be better, my friends, so you can sit in your beds at night and read my blog.  Like Cruella.

I can't believe it's already almost the end of October, especially since the last blog post was from September.

I guess someone forgot to:

Or at least reminded me to blog more often.  

So what has happened in the past month?  Well, I had a birthday (and I took notes of those of you who didn't wish me a happy birthday, so...)

I read some books.

And I went to Denver, where we went to see the Molly Brown house (I didn't see any ghosts), the Aquarium, and Mesa Verde National Park.  It was great to spend some time with my family and actually get to do something this summer!

And I worked.  And I know that's the real reason you guys read this blog, so here are some stories:

This lady came in to court a while ago, and wanted to go in and see the Judge.  But she was dressed in a really skimpy outfit, so the Baliff told he she needed to come back in more appropriate clothes.  She came up to the window and asked if we had spare clothes that she could change into.  I told her we didn't, and she kept bugging me about giving her MY sweatshirt  Finally, I'm to the point where I just want to yell:

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"  So then she turns her attention to complaining about how was she supposed to know that she needed to actually wear clothes to her court date.  So I'm like:

She eventually left to go get some clothes, and came back appropriate dressed.  And which point she started complaining about how she had no idea she was supposed to sign in at the window...even though she walked past all the signs saying "SIGN IN AT THE FRONT WINDOW" FIVE TIMES.

Ah, people.  Will they never learn to read?  

The last week or so, I had my duties changed.  So they took my warnings away.  

And that made me really sad.  But they gave me Orders, Plea in Abeyances, Probation, Treatment, and the Court Calendars. 

It's an awfully lot, and I don't know how to do everything, but hopefully I'll get the hang of everything.

I did a ton of Orders to Show Cause today, where they have to appear before the Judge and tell him why they failed to make their payment on time, and adds $75 to their fine.  People call, and say they want to make a payment.  I tell them that it's already gone to an Order, so they'll need to appear before the Judge.  And they go, "WHAT?  But I'm going to make a payment right now."

And I think:

"A fee of $75 has already been added to your fine, and notice has been mailed to you.  You can either come to your court date, or you can come to one of our open court dates."  And they're like, "Well, what if I make a payment right now?"

And I'm like:

"No, unfortunately, your payment was due on the 15th of the month, so you were late with the payment, and the fee has already been assessed."

At which point they get really angry and ask "Don't you care!?"

And I just kind of feel like:

Finally, here is the story of that inspired tonight's blog post title.  We have a sovereign citizen at work who is FLIPPING INSANE.  For our purposes, he'll be called "Insane Psycho McCrazytown." He refuses to be called "Mr. McCrazytown" or even "Insane McCrazytown."  He insists on being called "Insane Psycho of the Clan McCrazytown.  Because he believes that his full legal name is given to him by the government, and the government has no control over him.  I had been warned about him, but was told he is in Ohio, so the chances of me running in to him are slim to none.  One day at work, I get a phone call.  A gentleman was asking about getting the audio recordings from his court date.  So I ask for his name, so I can pull up his cases.  

"Oh, it's Insane McCrazytown. You'll probably remember my cases,"

OH SNAP, IT'S INSANE MCCRAZYTOWN.  

INSANE MCCRAZYTOWN.

INSANE MCCRAZYTOWN.

Now that we've adequately established how important it was that he was calling me, we can continue on with the story.

So he has me send him the paperwork to fill out to get the audio recordings, and tell him it's $11 per audio recording. 

And I start getting all of these e-mails from him.  And I'm like:

Talking about how he wants to sue the City because last time he came to court, he kept trying to speak on behalf of another Defendant.  And the Judge told him he couldn't, so the Baliffs picked him up by his arms and carried him out of the courtroom, while he was screaming "I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!!! YOU'RE ALL MY WITNESSES!!"  And then he apparently went across the street to the 7-11, where he called the police to report his kidnapping...by the police. 

And he starts his e-mails with "To Shelby Irvin, the real, not artificial person."  And I'm told to just not reply to him until he asks a real question or fills out the paperwork and returns it with the fee.  And then he becomes even more insane, asking me if I've ever been raped and telling me all of his weird twisted thoughts, and how he believes in things like the Illuminati, and how he's a Muslim, and he keeps referring to the Prosecutor as A5922, because he doesn't like him, so he won't refer to him by name.  And asking me to send him copies of his cases,  (The average Pleading is no more than 15 pages - every Pleading he has filed is over 142 pages) and the audio recordings ON MY DIME.  

And he keeps sending these e-mails, and I keep ignoring them. And he starts e-mailing me asking me why I won't return his e-mails, and if I'm getting them or not, and I just think:

The Baliff suggested I just start sending him cat videos every time he e-mailed me, but then I was afraid that he would be like, "YES!!! THE CAT IS THE PERFECT SYMBOL OF THE ILLUMINATI!!!  YOU GET IT!!!"  

Eventually, he was like, "I hope you all die a slow death....so how's your day going?"  And he might as well just have said:

At which point I could just be like:

The police were going to file more charges against him for harassing an officer of the court, but then they decided to just give his files over to the FBI, so it's their problem now.

He finally seemed to figure out that I was ignoring him, because I haven't gotten an e-mail from him in a couple of weeks.  Part of me is relieved, because I hope it means he's lost interest and will fall off the face of the Earth for another few years, but then another part of me wishes he was still sending e-mails because they made for hilarious stories.

So now I've caught you up to what I've been up to for the past month.  I will try to do better.  And in closing, I'd just like to remind you:

There's A Reason I Don't Carry Handcuffs...And Today Is That Reason

I'm sorry I haven't been very good at my blog lately, and I want you to know that I'm very sorry.  But:

And being an adult means working...like seemingly all the time.  And cleaning stuff.  And then on top of that, I accidentally requested ten books be put on hold for me at the library (whoops), so I had to read those.  And then I was just too tired to write a new blog post.  And also probably why I have neglected my relationships with anyone who doesn't currently have four legs and/or a tail or those that live with me.

It's been mostly the usual - people who can't understand (even when I explain it a MILLION TIMES), and the usual rude people who treat me like dirt.  But today was fun...which is why I'm writing this blog post about today.

Let me set the scene:

Wednesday.  Court day.  Craziness in the air.  I look over the list of people coming in for Pre-Trials.  My eyes trail down the page, stopping suddenly.  Whose name is that?    An attorney coming in for his DUIs (yes, plural)?  SWEET.  I'm excited.  I'm like:

After court starts, I realize the attorney (who for confidentiality purposes, will be named Drunkard Drunkardson) has not checked in.  "Has anyone seen Drunkard Drunkardson?  Or Drunkard's attorney?"

"No, Drunkard Dunkardson was arrested for ANOTHER DUI while on his way to court."

"Drunkard Drunkardson was driving himself DRUNK to enter a plea for his DUI charges?  Seriously?"

Yes.  Yes, he was.  And so he was in jail and couldn't come to court.  So he is coming in to court on Monday, BEFORE I come in to work, so I can't watch his court date.

It makes me sad and angry.

FOILED AGAIN!!!

So I missed out on seeing Drunkard Drunkardson arrested.  But I did get to see two other arrests today (IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!).

The woman from my first arrest came back!!  She came in, in a SUPER PLEASANT mood.  I'm like:

And she went into the courtroom.  I went back to watch, and kept getting interrupted, so I didn't actually get to see the ARREST, but I got to hear most of her plea to not have to go to jail.  She finally got sentenced to six days in jail, with more jail days optional if she doesn't pay her fine.

When I heard the bell ring, I went up to the front.  A man was standing there and asked about his friend's fine.  I told him they had both gone to warrants, so he'd have to see the Judge.  He asked what the charges were, and I told him that I couldn't discuss the charges with him, just his friend.  So he leaves, and his friend comes in.  I pull up his cases to see what the charges are, and there is a warning that says: "TO BE ARRESTED IMMEDIATELY."

This is perfect!!  So I give him a big smile:

And I say, "I just have to grab this file.  I'll be right back."

And I head into the courtroom, and beckon to AJ (the Baliff).  "AJ.  There's a guy here, and it says he's supposed to be arrested immediately.  Do you want him?"  AJ asked who it was, and I told him, and his eyes light up.  And he says, "Yeah, unless you want to arrest him."  I told him that as soon as I got handcuffs, a taser, and a gun, I would totally be down for that.  But they don't give me those things, probably because I'd just walk up to people and say:

And they're probably not ready for the power-hungry person I'd become.

Yes, that is an accurate representation of how I would act.

So I come back out front, just as AJ is arresting the man.  

After AJ got back from taking the woman from my first arrest to the jail, he came in and said, "Just so you know, she hates you."

I look at him, and go:

AJ proceeds to tell me that she was quiet, until they hit 17th Street, at which point she started yelling:

"STOP LOOKING AT ME!! YOU F****ING B******!!!  I HATE YOU!!! I HATE THE JUDGE!!! I HATE ALL THE COURT CLERKS!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!"

Ahh...feel the love of court.

I love my job.  I answer phones:

I get to see people arrested:

And I really love it.

So there's your blog post, dear friends.  SO QUIT YER WHINING! 

And until the next blog post, I've created a nice agenda for us:

What Did Robin Williams Teach Us?

I normally reserve this blog for work-related funnies, but after hearing about Robin Williams' suicide on Monday, I felt the need to write this blog post.

Robin Williams was a huge part of my childhood - I remember growing up watching "Flubber," "Hook," "Mrs. Doubtfire," "Jumanji," "Aladdin," "Patch Adams," and so many other movies.  He made people laugh.  And although it was known that he had his demons, I don't think anybody knew how real those demons were, and how hard he had to fight them every day.

It's easy for us to look at Robin Williams and see a life cut short, a career with so much more to offer, and a kind, generous man who thought his life wasn't worth living.  And it's devastating.  To know that we can see what he could not.

I feel that there are too many cases of suicide in our society.  Too many people who don't see their worth and in the depths of their despair, make the choice to kill themselves.  And I feel that we don't talk about it enough.  We don't know what to say to those mourning the loss of their loved ones.  Nobody knows what to say when confronted with the facts that your loved one was taken...but not because of a car accident, or sickness, or even murder - that they choose to end their life.  We need to have an open dialogue about suicide: what it does to those left behind, what the people who commit suicide are thinking, and how we can prevent it - no judgment.

Which is why I've decided to share my story.  I am a suicide survivor.

On February 26, 2009, my beautiful, smart, amazing aunt Tasche took her own life.  I will never forget that night - finding out that my aunt was dead, crying until my eyes were swollen.  For a long time, I struggled with why God would let her do what she did: to us, to her boys, even to herself.  I was angry: angry at God that He would let it happen, angry at Tasche that she would do that to herself and to us, and angry at myself: that I somehow missed the signs that she was struggling, and that she could do that.

Tasche Holding Baby Shelby

Tasche was nine years older than I was.  At sixteen, I looked up to her, and wished that I could be like her.  She was a nurse, just starting a family with two little boys, and had a wonderful sense of humor.  She was smart, beautiful, loved animals...and she couldn't see that.  She couldn't see how we would grieve her loss, and in that moment, she truly believed that everyone would be better off without her.  She didn't leave a note, so we will never know exactly what was going through her mind at the time.  What I can tell you is that the agony must have been incredible for those woman who loved others more than herself to cut her life short.

Tasche Laughing - She had a beautiful smile

I can't help but feel sorry for our family.  Her sons will never know all of those things that I loved during the years.  She will never see me get married or have children of my own.  She wasn't there when I graduated from high school, and she won't be there when I graduate from college.  She will miss out on so many things in my life, and the lives of her sons.  I know that my life will never be the same.  When she died, someone told me that time would heal all wounds.  They were wrong.  The wounds begin to heal, but they never completely go away.  They develop scar tissue, and we learn to live our lives around the wounds.  But they never truly go away.

Tasche with her twins - February 2009

Having suicidal thoughts are not shameful.  Letting those thoughts convince you that you are nothing and lead you to throw away your life is.  You have so much to live for, even if you can't see it right now. 

Robin Williams was an incredible person, just like my aunt was.  The tragedy is that they didn't get the help they needed, and now they are gone.  What Robin Williams taught us was that a life cut short is a terrible, terrible waste.  

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, ask for help.  There are people who care about you, and who would be devastated by your loss.  There is no shame in asking for help, and there are people who would be willing to do anything to get you that help.

I am a survivor of suicide, and I am breaking the silence.   

Anyone Find A Soul? I Seem To Have Misplaced Mine.

I told you I'd do better about updating my blog this week, and I'm trying to do better.

Really, I am.

So this week started out interesting with a call I received from this lady, who was trying to pay her utility bill.  "I called the other day, and you told me that if it was being taken out of my account through my bank, the new billing system wouldn't affect me."

"Well, I'm not sure who you spoke with, but it's true.  If your bank was taking the money out of your account to cut a check to us, the new billing system - "

"Well, it's not working!"

"Then it was probably set up through our old billing system.  I can help you set it up so that it will start billing through the new system - "

"But you guys lied to me!  You told me it wouldn't affect me!"

"Ma'am, I'm not sure who told you that, but I'm sure they didn't mean to lie to you.  If you'd like me to set up a new account for it to just take it out of your account automatically, I'd be happy to help you set that up."

"But then how much do I have to pay them?  I thought the billing was through you?"

"It is through us, we just have the system process the payments for us - "

"But then I have to pay them, and I don't want to pay them too.  What do I pay you guys for, then?"

"Your bill is for water, sewage, garbage and recycle, and storm drain."

"So why am I paying them?"

"You're not paying them.  They are just processing the payments."

"But you told me it wouldn't affect me."

TWENTY MINUTES OF THIS, AND I'M LIKE:

Lord, give me patience.

So after I finally got through to her and helped her set up her new automatic bill pay system (which she didn't have to pay for), I got a phone call from a very angry woman.

"South Ogden."

"Hello, this is Mrs. Andy Griffith* (Names changed to protect individuals...namely me, and my job)."

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"I called a week ago, and told you guys that my garbage can was broken.  Why hasn't someone come and fixed it?  I don't know how YOU PEOPLE like to live, but I don't like having my garbage can out in front of my house.  It looks tacky."

MY PEOPLE?  Well, when I go home to my house at the end of the day, I like to line up all my garbage cans so I can get that "Junkyard Home" look that's so chic and sought after.

Ah.  Home sweet home.  Only thing missing are some garbage cans lined up out front.

"Well, I see that it was put in, I can put another request in for you if you'd like, and put that it's a second request and ask that it be treated as an ASAP matter."

"Yes, I want you to do that."  So after I assured her that I had put a second request in and put it as a high priority, and she assured me that I was ridiculous, and the city was ridiculous, and AGAIN, that she doesn't like the look of a garbage can out front, she hung up.

She called back again TODAY (two days after I talked to her last).  

"South Ogden."

"Hello, this is Mrs. Andy Griffith.

She again insulted "my people" (who apparently all love having garbage cans out in front of their homes??), and asked why nobody had come by to fix it.  "IT'S BEEN TEN DAYS SINCE I'VE REQUESTED THIS FIXED!!"  (But two since you talked to me...so...)  

"I did put it in a couple of days ago, it usually takes them 3-5 days to come by and fix it."

"3-5 days to fix a garbage can?  Or bring a new one?  That's ridiculous."

No.  You're ridiculous.

"I did put it in as an ASAP matter -"

"Well, that's what you told me!  Why does it take so long?!"

"We do apologize for any inconvenience, I talked to the ladies upstairs who are in charge of pulling that report, and they said that it would probably be Monday until that garbage is delivered.  Apparently they've had a problem where the first requests haven't been going through -"

"Well, then maybe you need to start calling everyone and seeing if their request has been filled, because this is ridiculous."

Yeah, because all we have to do all day is to call people to find out how long they've had their garbage on the curb.

"Like I said before, we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused, and she said that they should have it fixed by Monday."

"Well, I presume you don't work on the weekends, so I'll have to have that eyesore out there until Monday."

"No, we do not work during the weekend."

"Well, I'm going to need the number for the mayor.  And those ladies upstairs."

"You can just call this number and I can transfer you to them."

"I need to put things in that garbage can."

"You can go ahead and put things in the garbage can, they'll just empty it when they come to - "

CLICK.

And I'm left there thinking:

Wednesday I received this call from this gentleman.  He wanted an extension on his citation.  I pulled up his citation and saw that he had needed to appear before the Judge THAT day, and that the next day, a warrant would be issued.  "Can you push it back?  My wife got a ticket the same day, and we've been fighting her ticket.  Or can I just pay it?"

"Did you have insurance?  If you can get your insurance company to write you a letter saying you were covered on the date you received the citation, I can dismiss that charge and then you can just pay the speeding portion of the ticket.  Otherwise, it is a mandatory appearance, so you do have to appear before the Judge."

"Our insurance said that they won't write us a letter saying that."

"Then you do have to appear before the Judge, but there will be a warrant until you appear in front of the Judge.  Our court dates are Monday at 8:00 or Wednesday at 1:00."

At which point, he turned into a complete monster, and told me, "You know you guys are ridiculous and terrible to work with, right?"  He snarls.  

"Sir, it's just what the law requires."

"Well, the court in Tooele gave my wife an extension."

"I don't work for the court in Tooele.  Here, we cannot give you an extension unless you appear before the Judge and ask for an extension."

"There's no way I can get to the court in South Ogden.  My job is too demanding.  I don't have the time to get there."

"Well, then maybe you could write a letter to the Judge asking for an extension."

"I don't have time to write a letter.  My job is too demanding.  Maybe if I had more time, but there's no way, no how."

"Well, sir, I've given you your options.  You will receive a warrant, and it will not be lifted until you appear before the Judge."

"So you don't even care that I have children?  You guys are perfectly fine with arresting someone in front of their children?"

And I'm like:

He kept bringing up how he had no time to take care of this, and I told him that he had had the citation for 39 days - after 21 days, he had received a warning letter telling him that he had received a $50 contempt fee and telling him to take care of it before it became a warrant in two weeks.  His response?  "Regardless of that, which really has nothing to do with this..."  Really?  Nothing to do with this?  He's complaining about how he hasn't had TIME.  HE'S HAD THIRTY-NINE DAYS!!!  IT'S A RELEVANT FACT!!!

And after ten minutes of this, he finally asked to talk to my supervisor, who had left for the day.  I told him that she had left for the day, but gave him her name, and he said he'd call first thing tomorrow morning to complain to her.  At the end of the day, my boss told me that she went ahead and issued him a warrant.

Then on the way home, I pulled into the road and was driving along (in the slow lane, going three above the speed limit), when this lady pulls up behind me (seemingly going ninety before she slowed down to a more reasonable speed...like eighty, to avoid hitting me, and she sticks her hand out the window and starts giving me the "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! MOVE!!" gesture.  And I'm baffled, because the other lanes are empty, and she's flipping out on me, in the slow lane, going a little ABOVE the speed limit.  And I'm left wondering:

Today I tried my hand at warrants.  I LOVED THEM.  It's everything I love: giving people fines and leading to a dramatic courtroom showdown, during which they'll get arrested.  One of my coworkers mentioned how great I was at working for the court, because I have a very low tolerance for B.S., and I'm soulless/heartless/ruthless.  

People are like:

And I'm like:

But deep down (and not so deep down), I really really really love doing warrants/warnings/Orders to Show Cause.  Pretty much anything that results in a contempt fee.

And I act all excited, and then people are baffled as to why I'm excited, and I'm just like:

I'm not supposed to react this way?  But why?

And my coworkers are like:

But I think the main reason I love it so much is because it's a small act of revenge for all the people who call and treat me like dirt because they can.  Because:

If anyone finds my soul/heart, let me know.  Life's lonely without it...but fun.  

..........On second thought, keep it.