Red Alert: Snark Level Incredibly High

Today was just one of those days.  The days when you get to work, and from the get-go, your head wants to explode.

It's a court day, so it's very busy.  There are people at the window.  I have people on hold on every phone in the office.  And the phone is still ringing.  And I have to pretend:

EVENTUALLY, I get caught up so that I'm answering phone calls, instead of just taking people off hold one by one.  And I have the following delightful conversation:

Guy:  "Finally, a real person!  I called three times (in the last two minutes), and I ended up getting a voicemail (which he didn't leave one).  This is ridiculous!"

Me: "Sir, I'm sorry you had to wait; but, I'm the only one here.  All of our phones were on hold, and there were several people at the window.  I did my best to answer your phone call as quickly as possible.  Now, how can I help you?"  And I was probably a little angrier and said it a bit nastier than I should have, but I hadn't even had time for a bathroom break, and this guy was getting on my nerves with his "right now" attitude.  And it kind of made me want to do this after I hung up.

Then on top of that guy, there were the usual "Why do I have to see the Judge? WHY?!?!"  

And the "My ticket's HOW much?!  Are you kidding me?"

And I just want to look at all of them and say:

Although my favorite are the ones where they tell me, "No, my ticket should be less than that.  I called a couple of days ago, and they told me a different amount."

To which I think:

But I have to say, "Well, it may have been a different amount a couple of days ago, but you missed the deadline that you were supposed to pay by, so now there's a delinquent notice and $50 dollars are added to your ticket."

And they say, "Well, then I want to see the Judge!  I don't want to pay that."

So I set up a Pre-Trial Conference, and they inevitably go, "Wait!  I don't understand!" 

And I think:

And it's days like these when I'm glad that I made it through the day, and I get home, and I think to myself:

I'm just lucky that the days where I genuinely enjoy my job outweigh the days like these that make me hate everything.

My First Arrest

Today was a court day.  Which is always interesting.  Lots of people came and tried to talk their way out of tickets, but these were my favorite:

One guy came in and asked why he had to see the Judge.  So I'm like:

"The reason you have to see the judge is that both of your charges are mandatory.  Your charges are driving on a suspended license, and then no insurance."

To which he responds by slamming his insurance card against the glass.  "There!"  He snarled.  "Can't I just pay now?"

Me (and based on the humidity, my hair probably looked like that):

So he goes into the courtroom, and I call the insurance company to verify that he was insured on the date he received the citation.  And he was not.

Maybe that's why he didn't want to go see the Judge so badly.  That or maybe the fact that he'd been charged with driving on a suspended license SIX TIMES.

So now, I'm excited, because SOMEONE IS GOING TO JAIL.  And based on this guy's attitude, he's not going down without a fight.  AND I'M SO EXCITED.

So I go into the courtroom and watch this guy's hearing.  And he's a complete angel, on his best behavior.  And the judge almost sentences him to just pay $400.  And I'm so disappointed.  

UNTIL...one of the court clerks whispers, "Judge...look how many times he's DOS (driving on a suspended license)."

And the Judge looks, and goes, "SIX?  Why do you keep driving on a suspended license?"

"Because my wife was in labor."

Really?  Six times in the past six months?  So the Judge tells him that because of how many times he had done it, he was going to serve a weekend in jail.  He immediately protests, saying he owns a body shop that's open 7 days a week.  And the Judge gives him until next Friday at 7:00 to report to the jail to serve his two day sentence.  And he also has to pay $300.

So I'm a little disappointed that nobody is being arrested, and I go back out the front to take his payment.  And in my head, I'm like:

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE YOU ARRESTED!!!  And he's upset, so he's like, "here's your money" and shoves it under the glass as hard as he can:

Before storming off after getting his receipt.

And then, I hear yelling in the courtroom.

So I go back, and I see someone crying and yelling that the Judge is trampling their rights as a human being, and that she is a sovereign citizen.  And then the handcuffs come out.  And I'm like:

I'M GOING TO SEE SOMEONE ARRESTED, AND I CANNOT CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT!!!!!  And as she is being led out of the courtroom (past me), she yells "I'm going to f***ing sue South Ogden.  I'm going to sue the f*** out of you, and the judge, and this whole d*** city!"  And the Judge says, "Bring her back in here."  And I'm thinking:

And I'm loving this.  And he brings her back in the courtroom and tells her that she will be held in contempt if she uses that kind of language in his courtroom.  And she goes, "I wasn't in the courtroom.  I was out in the hall."  And the Judge yells "STOP TALKING!!"  

And she's like:

And then she continues to try to talk over him, telling him that she was going to get an attorney, and sue the city, and all of the cops, and the Judge, and the Judge finally yells, "SHUT UP."  And then she got transferred to the County Jail. 

And I was left feeling like:

I've made it through my first arrest, and I LOVED IT!!

Also, I didn't see this one, but the other court clerks told me about it, and I thought it was hilarious.  There was a sixty year old gay man, who came in for assaulting the mother of his partner (who was over seventy).  She pulled off his wig, and was skipping in a circle while clapping her hands, laughing and saying, "Baldy, baldy!!  You're a baldy!!"

So he pulled her hair to make her understand what it was like to have her hair pulled.  So he was charged with assault.  "But you don't understand!  When you're bald and wear a hair piece, and someone pulls it off and makes fun of you for being bald, it's like somebody pulling down your pants and making fun of your "peep" (he used the actual word, but I was concerned that using the actual word wasn't blog appropriate) for being too small."

The Judge didn't like that analogy, very much.  So he was found guilty of assault against his seventy year+ mother-in-law.

My job:

But:

I love it, and truly enjoy it.  I'm probably just mean enough to love it.  But I don't care.

Animal Control Emergency

I received an interesting call today from someone looking for animal control.  It's standard that we ask if it's an emergency, because we transfer them to a police officer if it's an emergency, and to the animal shelter if it is not.

When I ask this guy if it's an emergency, he said that it was.  That he needed someone.  Right now.

So I go to transfer to him to dispatch, and he keeps talking.  "Yeah, there's this yellow lab, and it's humping all the dogs in the neighborhood.  Trying to make them submissive and stuff."

That's your emergency?  Have you tried yelling "NO HUMPING!!" at the dog?  Because that normally works for me.

And besides, since when is dog romance a crime?

Water Shut-Offs

Today was water shut-offs.  The day that the people who haven't been paying their water bill for four months suddenly stop having water.  And they think I sit at my desk and randomly shut off people's water, because:

8:00 a.m.  It begins.  The phone rings.  I answer.  And:

"I DON'T HAVE WATER!!!  My water's not working!  Could you send someone out right away?"  

I ask for their last name, and pull up their water bill.  "Well, it looks like you haven't paid your water bill for the last four months."

"THAT'S WRONG!!! I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN A BILL FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS!!!"  

And I simultaneously feel all of these emotions:

"Well, we've been sending them out, and we also sent you a final shut off notice last month."

"Well, I got that.  But you're wrong.  I've paid my bill."

At which point, every fiber of my being wants to say:

"You have to pay the full amount, plus $25, in order to get your water turned back on.  Or else, you need to pay the past due amount, which is $_____ (insert amount here), plus the $25, for a total of $______."

At which point, they say:

And I think:

So I try to calmly and simply explain again that they have to pay at least the minimum to get their water turned back on.

"Well, if I can't pay it now, but I can pay it on Friday, then will you turn my water back on right now?"  

"No, unfortunately we cannot turn your water back on until you pay at least the past due amount."

"Well, will you accept $25 to turn it back on?"

And after twenty more minutes of trying to explain that they need to pay the past due amount before I can ask the utility man to go turn their water back on, they either ask to talk to the utility manager or pay the past due amount. 

Water Shut-Off Day is a hassle, but:

I've Got A Coupon!!

This past week has been...interesting, to say the least.  It's been crazy busy, because it's the end of the month, but I've had my fair share of laughs this last week.

My favorite, though, is the tale of the coupon.  A woman came in to pay her ticket, and when I told her that it was $120, she pulled a coupon out of her purse and slid it under the window to me.  I picked it up and looked at it, and it said "1/2 Off Your Next Ticket."

When I explained to her that the courts don't give out coupons, she insisted that yes, they did.  It was published in the newspaper.  She ended up paying her whole ticket, and taking her coupon back.  And it left me feeling like Batman:

Another man came in, upset over his ticket.  He claimed that there was no speed limit sign, so he shouldn't have gotten a ticket.  I told him that all I could do was set up a Pre-trial Conference with the Judge and the Prosecutor, and he could discuss getting his ticket dismissed then.  He asked, "can't you just come and drive it with me so I can show you that there was no stop sign?"

Like there's any way I'm getting in a car with you, buddy.  I don't want to end up like this:

When I told him again that all I could do is set up a Pre-trial Conference with the Judge and Prosecutor, he said "Fine.  Do that."

Thanks for your approval, I guess?  He then stormed out after complaining about his court date (2 weeks away - which is actually pretty quick).  

And after dealing with that guy, one of the cops came in and said, "Yeah, turns out there's not actually a sign there anymore.  A drunk driver hit it a couple of days ago, and so it's gone right now."

Whoops!

But ultimately, I need people to just understand, that if I didn't write the ticket, and if I'm not wearing Judge's robes, I cannot make your ticket go away.

Unless you want to pay it.

But I appreciate that you think I have that power.