What Did Robin Williams Teach Us?

I normally reserve this blog for work-related funnies, but after hearing about Robin Williams' suicide on Monday, I felt the need to write this blog post.

Robin Williams was a huge part of my childhood - I remember growing up watching "Flubber," "Hook," "Mrs. Doubtfire," "Jumanji," "Aladdin," "Patch Adams," and so many other movies.  He made people laugh.  And although it was known that he had his demons, I don't think anybody knew how real those demons were, and how hard he had to fight them every day.

It's easy for us to look at Robin Williams and see a life cut short, a career with so much more to offer, and a kind, generous man who thought his life wasn't worth living.  And it's devastating.  To know that we can see what he could not.

I feel that there are too many cases of suicide in our society.  Too many people who don't see their worth and in the depths of their despair, make the choice to kill themselves.  And I feel that we don't talk about it enough.  We don't know what to say to those mourning the loss of their loved ones.  Nobody knows what to say when confronted with the facts that your loved one was taken...but not because of a car accident, or sickness, or even murder - that they choose to end their life.  We need to have an open dialogue about suicide: what it does to those left behind, what the people who commit suicide are thinking, and how we can prevent it - no judgment.

Which is why I've decided to share my story.  I am a suicide survivor.

On February 26, 2009, my beautiful, smart, amazing aunt Tasche took her own life.  I will never forget that night - finding out that my aunt was dead, crying until my eyes were swollen.  For a long time, I struggled with why God would let her do what she did: to us, to her boys, even to herself.  I was angry: angry at God that He would let it happen, angry at Tasche that she would do that to herself and to us, and angry at myself: that I somehow missed the signs that she was struggling, and that she could do that.

Tasche Holding Baby Shelby

Tasche was nine years older than I was.  At sixteen, I looked up to her, and wished that I could be like her.  She was a nurse, just starting a family with two little boys, and had a wonderful sense of humor.  She was smart, beautiful, loved animals...and she couldn't see that.  She couldn't see how we would grieve her loss, and in that moment, she truly believed that everyone would be better off without her.  She didn't leave a note, so we will never know exactly what was going through her mind at the time.  What I can tell you is that the agony must have been incredible for those woman who loved others more than herself to cut her life short.

Tasche Laughing - She had a beautiful smile

I can't help but feel sorry for our family.  Her sons will never know all of those things that I loved during the years.  She will never see me get married or have children of my own.  She wasn't there when I graduated from high school, and she won't be there when I graduate from college.  She will miss out on so many things in my life, and the lives of her sons.  I know that my life will never be the same.  When she died, someone told me that time would heal all wounds.  They were wrong.  The wounds begin to heal, but they never completely go away.  They develop scar tissue, and we learn to live our lives around the wounds.  But they never truly go away.

Tasche with her twins - February 2009

Having suicidal thoughts are not shameful.  Letting those thoughts convince you that you are nothing and lead you to throw away your life is.  You have so much to live for, even if you can't see it right now. 

Robin Williams was an incredible person, just like my aunt was.  The tragedy is that they didn't get the help they needed, and now they are gone.  What Robin Williams taught us was that a life cut short is a terrible, terrible waste.  

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, ask for help.  There are people who care about you, and who would be devastated by your loss.  There is no shame in asking for help, and there are people who would be willing to do anything to get you that help.

I am a survivor of suicide, and I am breaking the silence.   

Anyone Find A Soul? I Seem To Have Misplaced Mine.

I told you I'd do better about updating my blog this week, and I'm trying to do better.

Really, I am.

So this week started out interesting with a call I received from this lady, who was trying to pay her utility bill.  "I called the other day, and you told me that if it was being taken out of my account through my bank, the new billing system wouldn't affect me."

"Well, I'm not sure who you spoke with, but it's true.  If your bank was taking the money out of your account to cut a check to us, the new billing system - "

"Well, it's not working!"

"Then it was probably set up through our old billing system.  I can help you set it up so that it will start billing through the new system - "

"But you guys lied to me!  You told me it wouldn't affect me!"

"Ma'am, I'm not sure who told you that, but I'm sure they didn't mean to lie to you.  If you'd like me to set up a new account for it to just take it out of your account automatically, I'd be happy to help you set that up."

"But then how much do I have to pay them?  I thought the billing was through you?"

"It is through us, we just have the system process the payments for us - "

"But then I have to pay them, and I don't want to pay them too.  What do I pay you guys for, then?"

"Your bill is for water, sewage, garbage and recycle, and storm drain."

"So why am I paying them?"

"You're not paying them.  They are just processing the payments."

"But you told me it wouldn't affect me."

TWENTY MINUTES OF THIS, AND I'M LIKE:

Lord, give me patience.

So after I finally got through to her and helped her set up her new automatic bill pay system (which she didn't have to pay for), I got a phone call from a very angry woman.

"South Ogden."

"Hello, this is Mrs. Andy Griffith* (Names changed to protect individuals...namely me, and my job)."

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"I called a week ago, and told you guys that my garbage can was broken.  Why hasn't someone come and fixed it?  I don't know how YOU PEOPLE like to live, but I don't like having my garbage can out in front of my house.  It looks tacky."

MY PEOPLE?  Well, when I go home to my house at the end of the day, I like to line up all my garbage cans so I can get that "Junkyard Home" look that's so chic and sought after.

Ah.  Home sweet home.  Only thing missing are some garbage cans lined up out front.

"Well, I see that it was put in, I can put another request in for you if you'd like, and put that it's a second request and ask that it be treated as an ASAP matter."

"Yes, I want you to do that."  So after I assured her that I had put a second request in and put it as a high priority, and she assured me that I was ridiculous, and the city was ridiculous, and AGAIN, that she doesn't like the look of a garbage can out front, she hung up.

She called back again TODAY (two days after I talked to her last).  

"South Ogden."

"Hello, this is Mrs. Andy Griffith.

She again insulted "my people" (who apparently all love having garbage cans out in front of their homes??), and asked why nobody had come by to fix it.  "IT'S BEEN TEN DAYS SINCE I'VE REQUESTED THIS FIXED!!"  (But two since you talked to me...so...)  

"I did put it in a couple of days ago, it usually takes them 3-5 days to come by and fix it."

"3-5 days to fix a garbage can?  Or bring a new one?  That's ridiculous."

No.  You're ridiculous.

"I did put it in as an ASAP matter -"

"Well, that's what you told me!  Why does it take so long?!"

"We do apologize for any inconvenience, I talked to the ladies upstairs who are in charge of pulling that report, and they said that it would probably be Monday until that garbage is delivered.  Apparently they've had a problem where the first requests haven't been going through -"

"Well, then maybe you need to start calling everyone and seeing if their request has been filled, because this is ridiculous."

Yeah, because all we have to do all day is to call people to find out how long they've had their garbage on the curb.

"Like I said before, we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused, and she said that they should have it fixed by Monday."

"Well, I presume you don't work on the weekends, so I'll have to have that eyesore out there until Monday."

"No, we do not work during the weekend."

"Well, I'm going to need the number for the mayor.  And those ladies upstairs."

"You can just call this number and I can transfer you to them."

"I need to put things in that garbage can."

"You can go ahead and put things in the garbage can, they'll just empty it when they come to - "

CLICK.

And I'm left there thinking:

Wednesday I received this call from this gentleman.  He wanted an extension on his citation.  I pulled up his citation and saw that he had needed to appear before the Judge THAT day, and that the next day, a warrant would be issued.  "Can you push it back?  My wife got a ticket the same day, and we've been fighting her ticket.  Or can I just pay it?"

"Did you have insurance?  If you can get your insurance company to write you a letter saying you were covered on the date you received the citation, I can dismiss that charge and then you can just pay the speeding portion of the ticket.  Otherwise, it is a mandatory appearance, so you do have to appear before the Judge."

"Our insurance said that they won't write us a letter saying that."

"Then you do have to appear before the Judge, but there will be a warrant until you appear in front of the Judge.  Our court dates are Monday at 8:00 or Wednesday at 1:00."

At which point, he turned into a complete monster, and told me, "You know you guys are ridiculous and terrible to work with, right?"  He snarls.  

"Sir, it's just what the law requires."

"Well, the court in Tooele gave my wife an extension."

"I don't work for the court in Tooele.  Here, we cannot give you an extension unless you appear before the Judge and ask for an extension."

"There's no way I can get to the court in South Ogden.  My job is too demanding.  I don't have the time to get there."

"Well, then maybe you could write a letter to the Judge asking for an extension."

"I don't have time to write a letter.  My job is too demanding.  Maybe if I had more time, but there's no way, no how."

"Well, sir, I've given you your options.  You will receive a warrant, and it will not be lifted until you appear before the Judge."

"So you don't even care that I have children?  You guys are perfectly fine with arresting someone in front of their children?"

And I'm like:

He kept bringing up how he had no time to take care of this, and I told him that he had had the citation for 39 days - after 21 days, he had received a warning letter telling him that he had received a $50 contempt fee and telling him to take care of it before it became a warrant in two weeks.  His response?  "Regardless of that, which really has nothing to do with this..."  Really?  Nothing to do with this?  He's complaining about how he hasn't had TIME.  HE'S HAD THIRTY-NINE DAYS!!!  IT'S A RELEVANT FACT!!!

And after ten minutes of this, he finally asked to talk to my supervisor, who had left for the day.  I told him that she had left for the day, but gave him her name, and he said he'd call first thing tomorrow morning to complain to her.  At the end of the day, my boss told me that she went ahead and issued him a warrant.

Then on the way home, I pulled into the road and was driving along (in the slow lane, going three above the speed limit), when this lady pulls up behind me (seemingly going ninety before she slowed down to a more reasonable speed...like eighty, to avoid hitting me, and she sticks her hand out the window and starts giving me the "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! MOVE!!" gesture.  And I'm baffled, because the other lanes are empty, and she's flipping out on me, in the slow lane, going a little ABOVE the speed limit.  And I'm left wondering:

Today I tried my hand at warrants.  I LOVED THEM.  It's everything I love: giving people fines and leading to a dramatic courtroom showdown, during which they'll get arrested.  One of my coworkers mentioned how great I was at working for the court, because I have a very low tolerance for B.S., and I'm soulless/heartless/ruthless.  

People are like:

And I'm like:

But deep down (and not so deep down), I really really really love doing warrants/warnings/Orders to Show Cause.  Pretty much anything that results in a contempt fee.

And I act all excited, and then people are baffled as to why I'm excited, and I'm just like:

I'm not supposed to react this way?  But why?

And my coworkers are like:

But I think the main reason I love it so much is because it's a small act of revenge for all the people who call and treat me like dirt because they can.  Because:

If anyone finds my soul/heart, let me know.  Life's lonely without it...but fun.  

..........On second thought, keep it.

Another Week, Another Blog Post

So this past week has been very full, very busy.  My supervisor was out of the office, so I was working crazy overtime to help cover.

Monday was very busy, a court day.  I swear I was running around from the second I walked in the door.  There were no unusual surprises, just the usual people who come in and want their payments moved back, because they can't make their payments.  And they'll stand in front of the judge and say:

I honestly don't remember anything noteworthy from the rest of the week, just that it was CRAZY BUSY.  (This is why I shouldn't wait until Sunday afternoon to do my blog post!!)

Friday, though, our HR person had taken a new job and so it was her last day.  There were also two birthdays in the office, so we decided that everyone was going to lunch.

Everyone except me.  It was somehow decided that I would stay there, and watch the office.  It was particularly biting when the people came downstairs, and said:

And I'm like: "ME!!! ME!!!  I AM!!!!"

And then to be shot down. :(  Very sad.  Much sadness.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I DON'T GET TO GO?!  I LOVE FOOD, IT'S MY LIFE!!! I DO NOT LIKE THIS DECISION!!

But then the day was saved, when Jill said, "I think we can close down the office.  If everyone is going to lunch anyway, there's no reason we can't just close the office for a little bit.  Plus, I really want Shelby to come."

And I'm so happy, I get to go too!!!

So we get to the restaurant, and one of the ladies from upstairs starts talking to me, and she's says, "You have a son, don't you?"

I'm like:

"Um...no..."  And then it dawns on me:

She means this little guy:

Adorable.  So I say, "Well, he's a little furry, but he certainly THINKS he's my son."  Turns out the people upstairs heard my talking about "Teddy," and assumed he was my son.  Whoops.

So then the conversation turns to the other court clerk, whose anniversary was that day.  And somebody goes, "Whose anniversary was it?  Shelby, was it yours?"  And I go, "No, I'm not married, it's Lisa's."

And then the conversation turns to:

"You're not dating anybody?  Why?"

And I'm just like:

So overall, the lunch was good - set a few things straight, and had a delicious burger.  

Last week, somebody came in on a domestic violence charge, and was going on about how he didn't deserve to be there, and using the F bomb very liberally.  So I finally said, "Sir, every time you use the F bomb, a puppy dies.  And I'd hate to add animal cruelty charges."

He didn't think it was very funny, but I felt like saying:

Thanks for reading - I'll do better next week, I promise.