Robin Williams was a huge part of my childhood - I remember growing up watching "Flubber," "Hook," "Mrs. Doubtfire," "Jumanji," "Aladdin," "Patch Adams," and so many other movies. He made people laugh. And although it was known that he had his demons, I don't think anybody knew how real those demons were, and how hard he had to fight them every day.
It's easy for us to look at Robin Williams and see a life cut short, a career with so much more to offer, and a kind, generous man who thought his life wasn't worth living. And it's devastating. To know that we can see what he could not.
I feel that there are too many cases of suicide in our society. Too many people who don't see their worth and in the depths of their despair, make the choice to kill themselves. And I feel that we don't talk about it enough. We don't know what to say to those mourning the loss of their loved ones. Nobody knows what to say when confronted with the facts that your loved one was taken...but not because of a car accident, or sickness, or even murder - that they choose to end their life. We need to have an open dialogue about suicide: what it does to those left behind, what the people who commit suicide are thinking, and how we can prevent it - no judgment.
Which is why I've decided to share my story. I am a suicide survivor.
On February 26, 2009, my beautiful, smart, amazing aunt Tasche took her own life. I will never forget that night - finding out that my aunt was dead, crying until my eyes were swollen. For a long time, I struggled with why God would let her do what she did: to us, to her boys, even to herself. I was angry: angry at God that He would let it happen, angry at Tasche that she would do that to herself and to us, and angry at myself: that I somehow missed the signs that she was struggling, and that she could do that.
Tasche Holding Baby Shelby
Tasche was nine years older than I was. At sixteen, I looked up to her, and wished that I could be like her. She was a nurse, just starting a family with two little boys, and had a wonderful sense of humor. She was smart, beautiful, loved animals...and she couldn't see that. She couldn't see how we would grieve her loss, and in that moment, she truly believed that everyone would be better off without her. She didn't leave a note, so we will never know exactly what was going through her mind at the time. What I can tell you is that the agony must have been incredible for those woman who loved others more than herself to cut her life short.
Tasche Laughing - She had a beautiful smile
I can't help but feel sorry for our family. Her sons will never know all of those things that I loved during the years. She will never see me get married or have children of my own. She wasn't there when I graduated from high school, and she won't be there when I graduate from college. She will miss out on so many things in my life, and the lives of her sons. I know that my life will never be the same. When she died, someone told me that time would heal all wounds. They were wrong. The wounds begin to heal, but they never completely go away. They develop scar tissue, and we learn to live our lives around the wounds. But they never truly go away.
Tasche with her twins - February 2009
Having suicidal thoughts are not shameful. Letting those thoughts convince you that you are nothing and lead you to throw away your life is. You have so much to live for, even if you can't see it right now.
Robin Williams was an incredible person, just like my aunt was. The tragedy is that they didn't get the help they needed, and now they are gone. What Robin Williams taught us was that a life cut short is a terrible, terrible waste.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, ask for help. There are people who care about you, and who would be devastated by your loss. There is no shame in asking for help, and there are people who would be willing to do anything to get you that help.
I am a survivor of suicide, and I am breaking the silence.
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