Really, I am.
So this week started out interesting with a call I received from this lady, who was trying to pay her utility bill. "I called the other day, and you told me that if it was being taken out of my account through my bank, the new billing system wouldn't affect me."
"Well, I'm not sure who you spoke with, but it's true. If your bank was taking the money out of your account to cut a check to us, the new billing system - "
"Well, it's not working!"
"Then it was probably set up through our old billing system. I can help you set it up so that it will start billing through the new system - "
"But you guys lied to me! You told me it wouldn't affect me!"
"Ma'am, I'm not sure who told you that, but I'm sure they didn't mean to lie to you. If you'd like me to set up a new account for it to just take it out of your account automatically, I'd be happy to help you set that up."
"But then how much do I have to pay them? I thought the billing was through you?"
"It is through us, we just have the system process the payments for us - "
"But then I have to pay them, and I don't want to pay them too. What do I pay you guys for, then?"
"Your bill is for water, sewage, garbage and recycle, and storm drain."
"So why am I paying them?"
"You're not paying them. They are just processing the payments."
"But you told me it wouldn't affect me."
TWENTY MINUTES OF THIS, AND I'M LIKE:
Lord, give me patience.
So after I finally got through to her and helped her set up her new automatic bill pay system (which she didn't have to pay for), I got a phone call from a very angry woman.
"South Ogden."
"Hello, this is Mrs. Andy Griffith* (Names changed to protect individuals...namely me, and my job)."
"Hello, how can I help you?"
"I called a week ago, and told you guys that my garbage can was broken. Why hasn't someone come and fixed it? I don't know how YOU PEOPLE like to live, but I don't like having my garbage can out in front of my house. It looks tacky."
MY PEOPLE? Well, when I go home to my house at the end of the day, I like to line up all my garbage cans so I can get that "Junkyard Home" look that's so chic and sought after.
Ah. Home sweet home. Only thing missing are some garbage cans lined up out front.
"Well, I see that it was put in, I can put another request in for you if you'd like, and put that it's a second request and ask that it be treated as an ASAP matter."
"Yes, I want you to do that." So after I assured her that I had put a second request in and put it as a high priority, and she assured me that I was ridiculous, and the city was ridiculous, and AGAIN, that she doesn't like the look of a garbage can out front, she hung up.
She called back again TODAY (two days after I talked to her last).
"South Ogden."
"Hello, this is Mrs. Andy Griffith.
She again insulted "my people" (who apparently all love having garbage cans out in front of their homes??), and asked why nobody had come by to fix it. "IT'S BEEN TEN DAYS SINCE I'VE REQUESTED THIS FIXED!!" (But two since you talked to me...so...)
"I did put it in a couple of days ago, it usually takes them 3-5 days to come by and fix it."
"3-5 days to fix a garbage can? Or bring a new one? That's ridiculous."
No. You're ridiculous.
"I did put it in as an ASAP matter -"
"Well, that's what you told me! Why does it take so long?!"
"We do apologize for any inconvenience, I talked to the ladies upstairs who are in charge of pulling that report, and they said that it would probably be Monday until that garbage is delivered. Apparently they've had a problem where the first requests haven't been going through -"
"Well, then maybe you need to start calling everyone and seeing if their request has been filled, because this is ridiculous."
Yeah, because all we have to do all day is to call people to find out how long they've had their garbage on the curb.
"Like I said before, we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused, and she said that they should have it fixed by Monday."
"Well, I presume you don't work on the weekends, so I'll have to have that eyesore out there until Monday."
"No, we do not work during the weekend."
"Well, I'm going to need the number for the mayor. And those ladies upstairs."
"You can just call this number and I can transfer you to them."
"I need to put things in that garbage can."
"You can go ahead and put things in the garbage can, they'll just empty it when they come to - "
CLICK.
And I'm left there thinking:
Wednesday I received this call from this gentleman. He wanted an extension on his citation. I pulled up his citation and saw that he had needed to appear before the Judge THAT day, and that the next day, a warrant would be issued. "Can you push it back? My wife got a ticket the same day, and we've been fighting her ticket. Or can I just pay it?"
"Did you have insurance? If you can get your insurance company to write you a letter saying you were covered on the date you received the citation, I can dismiss that charge and then you can just pay the speeding portion of the ticket. Otherwise, it is a mandatory appearance, so you do have to appear before the Judge."
"Our insurance said that they won't write us a letter saying that."
"Then you do have to appear before the Judge, but there will be a warrant until you appear in front of the Judge. Our court dates are Monday at 8:00 or Wednesday at 1:00."
At which point, he turned into a complete monster, and told me, "You know you guys are ridiculous and terrible to work with, right?" He snarls.
"Sir, it's just what the law requires."
"Well, the court in Tooele gave my wife an extension."
"I don't work for the court in Tooele. Here, we cannot give you an extension unless you appear before the Judge and ask for an extension."
"There's no way I can get to the court in South Ogden. My job is too demanding. I don't have the time to get there."
"Well, then maybe you could write a letter to the Judge asking for an extension."
"I don't have time to write a letter. My job is too demanding. Maybe if I had more time, but there's no way, no how."
"Well, sir, I've given you your options. You will receive a warrant, and it will not be lifted until you appear before the Judge."
"So you don't even care that I have children? You guys are perfectly fine with arresting someone in front of their children?"
And I'm like:
He kept bringing up how he had no time to take care of this, and I told him that he had had the citation for 39 days - after 21 days, he had received a warning letter telling him that he had received a $50 contempt fee and telling him to take care of it before it became a warrant in two weeks. His response? "Regardless of that, which really has nothing to do with this..." Really? Nothing to do with this? He's complaining about how he hasn't had TIME. HE'S HAD THIRTY-NINE DAYS!!! IT'S A RELEVANT FACT!!!
And after ten minutes of this, he finally asked to talk to my supervisor, who had left for the day. I told him that she had left for the day, but gave him her name, and he said he'd call first thing tomorrow morning to complain to her. At the end of the day, my boss told me that she went ahead and issued him a warrant.
Then on the way home, I pulled into the road and was driving along (in the slow lane, going three above the speed limit), when this lady pulls up behind me (seemingly going ninety before she slowed down to a more reasonable speed...like eighty, to avoid hitting me, and she sticks her hand out the window and starts giving me the "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! MOVE!!" gesture. And I'm baffled, because the other lanes are empty, and she's flipping out on me, in the slow lane, going a little ABOVE the speed limit. And I'm left wondering:
Today I tried my hand at warrants. I LOVED THEM. It's everything I love: giving people fines and leading to a dramatic courtroom showdown, during which they'll get arrested. One of my coworkers mentioned how great I was at working for the court, because I have a very low tolerance for B.S., and I'm soulless/heartless/ruthless.
People are like:
And I'm like:
But deep down (and not so deep down), I really really really love doing warrants/warnings/Orders to Show Cause. Pretty much anything that results in a contempt fee.
And I act all excited, and then people are baffled as to why I'm excited, and I'm just like:
I'm not supposed to react this way? But why?
And my coworkers are like:
But I think the main reason I love it so much is because it's a small act of revenge for all the people who call and treat me like dirt because they can. Because:
If anyone finds my soul/heart, let me know. Life's lonely without it...but fun.
..........On second thought, keep it.
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