Male Nip Slips: The Problem is Real

So it's been a little while since I blogged last.  And there have been some weird/funny/downright scarring things that have happened since then.  And since I want you all to be scarred with me, I'm telling them to you!

I was closing by myself on Tuesday, and this man comes in to pay his fine.  And while I'm taking his payment, he goes, "So, are you alone here?  What time are you done with work?"

And I'm like:

So I'm like, "Well, in the office, but the police station is RIGHT THERE, so not alone in the building, no."

So don't even be getting any ideas, buddy.

Another funny/so messed up it's funny moment was when we received a citation for a man who had had three domestic violence counts in our court.  Apparently, he had just gotten a fourth one that morning.  And when we received the police report, I read it.  Apparently, at 3:00 in the morning, the man got up, and went:

His girlfriend made him a burrito, but when she gave it to him, he said:

And since we can't have messed up burritos, he beat the living snot out of her.  When the cops showed up, he told them she had fallen down the stairs while carrying a box, and that's why she looked beat up.  Apparently he did not think the cops would question WHY she was carrying a box down the stairs at 3:00 in the morning, or how the box beat the living snot out of her.  So, he was arrested for a fourth domestic violence charge, which makes it a felony, and is transferred to District Court.

I received a call today from a guy who wanted me to put a note in his file that it might not be possible for him to come to his court hearing on the 9th, because he told me he was "bleeding out.  And had been losing about a pint a day since Saturday."

"Sir, if you're bleeding heavily, you need to call 911.  I can put a note in your file, but if you need an ambulance - "

"Oh, I'm sure I won't need an ambulance.  I'm going to have my neighbor drive me up to Ogden Regional, I just told him I needed to call you first and let you guys know that I might not make it to the court date."

After I heard from the guy who told me he was bleeding out, I received a call from a woman I've heard from waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too many times in the short time I've worked at the court.

I answer the phone, and she goes, "How come I can't get anyone to call me back?"

And I just think:

I've talked to her THREE times since I've started there, and I've told her the same thing EVERY TIME.  But now she's started calling from a blocked number, so we can't just transfer her upstairs to Holly.

"Well, I can't control when Holly returns her voice mails, ma'am.  Is there something I can do to help you?"

"I'm just so sick of dealing with this.  I didn't even know there was a problem, and I just have been dealing with this for the past two months, and I just want to be done with it.  Did Holly call the Credit Bureau and have them fix my credit?  Did she give me the adjustments?  Does my account show that I paid the amount she told me?"

"Can I get your address and I'll pull it up on the system?"

"Yes, my address is *mumble mumble*."

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that, could you rep -"

"SEVEN.........EIGHT......TWO......SIX.....SOUTH.......TWO......THREE......ZERO.....ZERO.....WEST." And she said this as nastily and like I was stupid as she possibly could, so I'm just sitting there like:

"I do show an adjustment of $103.35, and a payment of $506."

"So my accounts at zero?  Did Holly call the Credit Bureau and get this disaster off my credit score?"

"No, I see your account still owes another $506."  

"Well, that's ridiculous.  You need to write off that amount."

"Holly is the only one that can make adjustments to your account.  I can transfer you, if you'd like."

"Well, she never returns my calls, and I'm getting real sick of this.  I've left messages and called her directly, and I just want this taken care of!"

And I'm thinking, "What?!  Holly never returns your calls?!  HOW CAN THAT BE, YOU'RE SO PLEASANT!!"

"Well, like I said, ma'am, Holly is the only one who can make adjustments to your account.  I can't write off anything, let alone an amount that large."

"Well did she call the Credit Bureau?"

"I don't know, ma'am, you'd have to ask her."

"Well, is she in?"

"I don't know, ma'am, we work on separate floors."

"IS...SHE....IN?!"

Again with the stupid talk!  And I'm thinking:

You didn't get the answer you wanted the first time, so you're going to ask again?  Makes sense.

"No, like I said, we work on different floors.  I do not know if she is in the office right now."

"Isn't there ANYBODY else?"

"No, like I said, Holly is the only one who can make those changes."

"...Fine.  Transfer me.  This is - "

At which point I took great pleasure in cutting her off as I transferred her.

I'm sure you're wondering where exactly I got the title for today's blog post, here it is: today was the one of the most scarring moments in my life, and the inspiration behind today's blog post title.  A man came in today, and he was, um, a little "Buddha-ish" in his physique.  And he was wearing a wife-beater tank top.  I won't post pictures of man nipples for you, but they were gross.  And tattooed with "Justice." 

No, Justice would have been if you had put on a shirt before coming to see me.

Too often we hear about female "nip slips" at important Hollywood events - I think we need to focus on the problem closer to home - male nip slips.  They problem is real, and I'm raising the terror alert to red.

 I wish I was joking.  But I'm not.